It seems silly to write a blog about my own struggles with my husband's cancer diagnosis, because
1) I don't have cancer, he does.
2) It's a "great" diagnosis. It's the kind of cancer everyone recovers from. So really, we don't have much to be sad about. We are celebrating the great diagnosis. It's just a tough six months in front of us, that's all. But there is a light at the end, and we'll be OK.
3) There are so many worse things that could happen. I feel like I don't deserve to feel stressed or saddened by this. A Facebook friend of mine lost her husband this spring. He died. My husband is still here, and there is a promise of a full life on the other side of this. So it's hard to acknowledge my saddness in all this. People go through much, much worse things in life.
4) People are so wonderful to us right now. We are so, so blessed by so many wonderful friends, and I am so thankful for all their support and kindness because I know I couldn't do it without them, but that's scary too. And then I feel guilty because there are people who need the meals more than us. Or I think, why does cancer get meals? If a spouse becomes depressed, or becomes an alcoholic, or suffers from a chronic illness, do people get such support? I think about mental illness a lot. My grandmother cared for my grandfather for years after a stroke that left him with dementia. I can't help but be so thankful for mental health right now. It could be so much worse.
5) People are so nice - have I ever come close to being this nice to someone? Life has been busy lately - with the kids, and my husband's travels, and starting my own business, and taking classes to become a Floortime therapist - I haven't made much time for others. I've been time-selfish. Or, in many cases, I've assumed that the person hurting wouldn't want to talk to me about it. That they didn't want a hug, or to be asked about it, so I've pretended everything was OK with them. I feel so much gratitude for everyone right now who is taking the time for us. I certainly don't feel like I deserve it, but thank you so much.
6) I'm supposed to be strong. Something like this shouldn't throw me off. My house should be perfect. Organized. Clutter-free. I should still be making all my clients, adding new clients, writing blog posts, planning Christmas crafts, getting my husband to and from chemo, cleaning the laundry, disinfecting the house every night, and taking care of myself too. Doesn't strongness come from putting your head down and just doing it? Not standing back and acknowledging the tidal wave that just hit you in your face? Doesn't survival come from swimming frantically to the top for air, not treading water and thinking about where you've been?
1) I don't have cancer, he does.
2) It's a "great" diagnosis. It's the kind of cancer everyone recovers from. So really, we don't have much to be sad about. We are celebrating the great diagnosis. It's just a tough six months in front of us, that's all. But there is a light at the end, and we'll be OK.
3) There are so many worse things that could happen. I feel like I don't deserve to feel stressed or saddened by this. A Facebook friend of mine lost her husband this spring. He died. My husband is still here, and there is a promise of a full life on the other side of this. So it's hard to acknowledge my saddness in all this. People go through much, much worse things in life.
4) People are so wonderful to us right now. We are so, so blessed by so many wonderful friends, and I am so thankful for all their support and kindness because I know I couldn't do it without them, but that's scary too. And then I feel guilty because there are people who need the meals more than us. Or I think, why does cancer get meals? If a spouse becomes depressed, or becomes an alcoholic, or suffers from a chronic illness, do people get such support? I think about mental illness a lot. My grandmother cared for my grandfather for years after a stroke that left him with dementia. I can't help but be so thankful for mental health right now. It could be so much worse.
5) People are so nice - have I ever come close to being this nice to someone? Life has been busy lately - with the kids, and my husband's travels, and starting my own business, and taking classes to become a Floortime therapist - I haven't made much time for others. I've been time-selfish. Or, in many cases, I've assumed that the person hurting wouldn't want to talk to me about it. That they didn't want a hug, or to be asked about it, so I've pretended everything was OK with them. I feel so much gratitude for everyone right now who is taking the time for us. I certainly don't feel like I deserve it, but thank you so much.
6) I'm supposed to be strong. Something like this shouldn't throw me off. My house should be perfect. Organized. Clutter-free. I should still be making all my clients, adding new clients, writing blog posts, planning Christmas crafts, getting my husband to and from chemo, cleaning the laundry, disinfecting the house every night, and taking care of myself too. Doesn't strongness come from putting your head down and just doing it? Not standing back and acknowledging the tidal wave that just hit you in your face? Doesn't survival come from swimming frantically to the top for air, not treading water and thinking about where you've been?
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