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Work? Family?

Today, my six year old asked why I don't play with her anymore. Obviously, she doesn't care about the cereal boxes on the counter. She wants me. I haven't taken a shower without her sitting on the floor of the bathroom since this all began. She also told me that she hates how angry she gets right now. "I didn't use to get angry so fast," she said, "but now I do. It's hard. I just want someone to play with me."

We used to do some serious play and projects together. Art projects are our thing. Yesterday, during the first snow fall of the year, I didn't even go out to play with her in the snow. I sent her out by herself.

This can't keep going. Something has to give. But what? I can't leave an unclean house, mostly because I need to keep it disinfected for my husband. Drop work? 

I spent the last year and a half building up my own consulting business. It's been hard, and I've loved it. I've never felt so scared and empowered all at once. I've made mistakes and loved learning from them. I've felt I was right where I was supposed to be in life, for the first time in awhile. It wasn't easy work, and it didn't come over night.

Right now, I want to step back and focus on my own family, but I'm worried that is walking away from what I've built. How do I drop clients that are the exact clients I had in mind when I started my business? The clients I wasn't sure would come, but who I designed this sort of outreach for? Part of finding my own business felt horribly selfish, and now staying with it feels even more selfish. And yet, it also feels like stepping away from it would be losing part of myself.

I probably need to watch It's a Wonderful Life and deeply take in the meaning of family vs dreams. Is it about finding what makes life wonderful, or settling?

Shouldn't I be strong enough to take care of my family AND have my business?

What if I step away, and I never come back. I return to the safe path of working in a school, and let this one chance of following my dream slip away.

My family needs me. I see it in my three year old's eyes when she's yelling at me, or when she's rocking her baby to sleep. I see it in my six year old's eyes as she asks me for help with her homework, or asks me to work on projects with her. I see it in my husband's eye from across the room, when I'm dealing with the house or the three year old or the cat. And I need them. So much. We've always prided ourselves on not having the kids sleep in our room, but these days I wish for the family bed, where we could all snuggle up together and just BE.

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